Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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