Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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