dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
