ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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