If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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