I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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