Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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