I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
