she woke up with a sticky ear
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
