just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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