Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
