you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
