Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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