If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
