he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
