i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
