Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
