I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize