So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
