No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
