You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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