Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
