I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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