This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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