Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
