my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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