i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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