She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
