you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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