I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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