i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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