I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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