You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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