got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
