I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
