I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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