No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Send help, water and tortillas.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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