I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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