I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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