and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
