What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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