My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
