Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
