Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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