I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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