Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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