I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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