He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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