Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
