arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
