Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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