I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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