Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
