I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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