No stitches, just platelets and will power
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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