i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize