He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
