probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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