Already got asked if we're dating
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
