a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize