I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
