took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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