i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
