my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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